My road to forgiveness...where it ended surprised me

   
     I am in a book club at church, well rather through my moms' group. We read a book a month throughout the school year. I get a lot of great books to read, and even some amazing ideas for books to read in the summer. I thought it might be fun to tell you what I am reading, and what I am getting out of it.
     Right now I am reading Everybody Needs to Forgive Somebody by Allen Hunt. We read it last month for book club, but since I had my children that night I did not bother reading it. Plus, I put it off because I know I have someone to forgive. Well, it was a great book. I was caught up immediately, from the moment he began discussing Jesus and his forgiveness of those who crucified him.
     Well, crap. How could I not finish it. How could I not try to forgive the man who hurt me to my core. Fine. I read the book, I loved the book, and I began to try to forgive. I couldn't. It was not even a remote possibility. I harbor ill feelings, sure, but I am not angry. I do not feel I need to forgive him. I sat down and assessed who needed the forgiveness.
     I began questioning myself and those around me. I didn't blame him for leaving me because I left him. I didn't blame him for cheating because...well, okay, I blame him, but I am not angry it happened anymore. When I think back to why I am so damned angry I think about the following:

I left, I was relieved he cheated because it meant I could finally leave.
He hurt my children and I was horrified that I let him.
My daughters were "used to it." Perfect, I couldn't even protect them against words.
I was relieved a marriage of 10 years was not valid in the eyes of the church.

Double crap. I wasn't mad at him. I don't care enough about him to harbor feelings that require me to forgive him. The way I see him and his mistress: It is their issue to take before God, not mine. They are not sorry. And, I could not care much less. I am happy. I am mad at ME. Wonderful. Because we all know self loathing and resentment are so easily healed, right? Well, this was what I needed because now I am in that place. The place where I get to heal from the wounds I caused myself. I no longer blame myself, but I still have not fully forgiven myself either. It is a day by day prayer process.

We all have someone to forgive. I challenge everyone to find who they need to forgive. Ask yourself the questions I did:

Who do I blame?
Who do I no longer trust that I need to trust (of course I no longer trust my former spouse, but that is not an issue because I do not need him in day to day dealings)?
Who do I want fully in my life, but push away?

Pray daily on your journey.